Friday, July 13, 2012


Recently, a circular passed by the headquarters of the Assam Police instructed a complete face-lift of the force. In police stations statewide, photos of Mahatma Gandhi and his likes were to be replaced by ones of David Beckham and Chace Crawford of Gossip Girl fame (My sources tell me special screenings of Gossip Girl and Will and Grace have also been arranged by the force too for its personnel), armouries were to be converted to fairness cream industries and beauty product factories. And the most important of all—bangles were to be a mandatory accessory for everyone from the rank of constable to the DGP himself.   All for a good cause, of course. The force  is determined to have an image make-over—after all the bloodshed of the 80s and the 90s, the police and the government think it’s important to present a more mellowed-down, easy going, in-tune with the times  Assam police.  Besides, the force deserves some rest now—it’s been a tough three decades for them with all the insurgency and the secret-killings and what not.

And boy! Haven’t the cops responded well to the clarion call made by their bosses? They have become utterly non-interfering, keep to their own business; let Guwahati’s ever-increasing traffic and people on their own and, for the greater good of public welfare, accept token gifts like a ten rupee-note from the truck drivers. And what a convenient arrangement it is—the one of live and let live. So what if a teenage girl is molested and abused by a mob of  third-odd depraved and desperate bravehearts in the swanky centre of the city, the CM is so proud of! The girl was inebriated, had loose morals—she deserved to be beaten and stripped naked on the main street of the city. Absolutely, Sir! Ditto with the Congress MLA who dared to bring shame to her party and a state as honourable as Assam where evils like corruption and red-tapism are as rare as birds in the Deepor beel. By becoming a people’s representative, she has voluntarily given up her personal life and it was completely correct that she was taught a lesson by a group of moralist and hurt young men who took it on themselves to salvage and safeguard  the old glory of Xunor Axom.  Hardly matters that they barged into her hotel room and kicked her around with the panache of Ronaldo. It was after all, again, for a good cause as reiterated by many concerned citizens of the state in their patriotic responses to blasphemous stories in the national media about her being given a raw deal. And in all of the action, the state police has religiously followed its new-found manta of not acting spoilsport and letting the fun go uninterrupted for the greater cause of the Great Axomia Entertaintment, to be broadcasted and rebroadcasted by our favourite news channel (‘Pushing North-East 24/7’) with soaring TRPs that would put a shame on the IPL . Kudos Assam Police!

What a time it is for the state! The political and economic landscape, the world over, is at the fragile worst but Axom is at its stable best- we have, after all, a government (mind you, not one of those precariously poised coalitions) in its third term and looking good for many more. There is no opposition, there are no issues; how Sonia Gandhi would have wished the whole of the political scene of the country would have been like our state and she could have even instated Robert Vadra as the president.  And law and order –where do you get such a liberal and understanding police force which lets you kick, strip, grope and  perform all  of our sadomasochistic fantasies on women in public.  Pure unadulterated fun, dude! 

The Assam Police is trying desperately hard to come across a friendly force with the most minimum meddling in public affairs.  The people, understandably, are more than happy. We’re on our way to becoming a metropolis and we’ve even started to draw inspiration, in behavior and demeanour, from our more cultured contemporaries of the capital—tribals from our neighbour states are a bad influence on our young generation. Very fittingly, a Naga girl who was asking directions was beaten up (again, one of our favourite news channels was there capturing it all live just for us) in broad daylight. This time though, the women under the leadership vice-president of the BJP's city district unit took it upon themselves to teach the deviant girl a lesson on morality. It is of course, a different story altogether that we tirade against rapes of northeastern women in Delhi at Jantar Mantar and accuse mainland India of being discriminatory against our women. They are our women—we can do whatever the  freaking heck we want to—but not the prejudiced North Indians. And when a few years back, a young Adivasi woman was stripped naked in public for having the audacity to come out of the tea garden and protest in our civilized city, I wonder if the  horde doing the honours had the state’s favoutite balladeer’s words—Manuhe manuhor babe Jodi he okonu nabhabe—in mind.  Meanwhile, I’ve to go; there’s something interesting on our channel about a girl being beaten black and blue—she was caught holding hands with a boy, of course! I hear someone quipping—Sluts the girls of this generation, ought to be taught a good lesson!